sylvia plath, lynda barry, and a sheep named tyler durden

i am going to get some pages of moses jones done. i really really am. i have been busy…a bit suicidal…depressed…and busy.

i would be lying if i said i had been working on this zine that i started by drawing the cover. although i have worked a bit on an essay about john irving and also lynda barry. but that is all. and i did this journal page thinking about doing some ink brush paintings of livestock:

journal-page-2

livestock!
so now i have ten chickens and four sheep. i have a tendency to just wing it in many areas of my life. like i never seem to get adequate directions, do not have a smart phone or gps, yet constantly set out on adventures saying, “we’ll find it.” so i got chickens before i had a coop built. i got dogs before making sure my chickens would not be harassed by them. and i got sheep before i had a fenced pasture. long story short. i have lost one rooster to an over-zealous herd dog and have poisoned one sheep by not researching very well and just thinking, “it’ll be fine.” strange that someone as neurotic as me would be so okay with winging it. but i am. another example of my oxymoronity.

we named our sheep after favorite characters from favorite movies. i got to name the ram. i really wanted to name him tyler durden…but decided on harold (from harold & maude) because i was afraid a sheep named tyler durden might be prone to fighting as well as challenging the status quo. but harold the ram got really sick after eating something (acorns? toxic lambsquarters? too much chicken food?) and was looking awful. so i re-re-named him tyler durden and “drenched” (which means to force liquids on–not to douse with a hose!) him with apple cider vinegar and began my journey towards being a holistic shepherd.

but it is my depression more than anything that has crippled my creative process. i read something recently that said that depression is “living in the past.” you know, with anxiety being “living in the future.” i can see that…but my problem is my depression is a current event. i am very unhappy–not with my homestead…but with my live-in ex-husband. aka dusty knickers. he is happy to live at my folks place, contributing only when he sees the whites of my eyes, and otherwise playing video games and being a pain in the ass. i don’t know how to get him to move on…move out…move! i have come to peace with some things–like that it is not my job to let him know he is an asshole…but i do not know how to find peace with him always here. always being dusty.

but i have not taken the sylvia plath route. mostly because of what it would do to my kids. i decided that suicide is something best done when you are young and childless. i passed my open window of opportunity in 1998 (the last time i seriously contemplated suicide but ended up marrying some guy i just met instead. marriage & suicide are on about the same level for me, i guess. ha!) now i have four kids and have to commit to being here no matter how painful it is.

yay.

so i’m putting together this zine. you can be in it if you want. right now it is in a very loose stage of development. but, you know, art–poetry–essays.
and i’m still working on all my other projects: moses jones, lizard brain, whimsy, one up on sylvia plath, space aliens & serial killers…. kids, homestead, survival, etc. you know the drill. and reading, always reading. i totally recommend david wong. but most recently i finally read lynda barry’s notes of an accidental professor. as you may or may not know, i attended uw where she teaches, but somehow i never made it into her class despite her being an early influence for my comics. self-sabotage? fear of my heroes? just plain goofy? we had a nodding acquaintance, mostly because i took my kids to her monthly drawing jams…but i never became soul sisters with her even though my inner geek dreamed of this.
it’s a regret i have.
so i’m sending her a postcard.
you know, a moses jones postcard.
(who knows, maybe she will be my best friend forever after all.) a postcard, and then i will close that chapter and open a new one.

my sylvia plath fantasy….

(really building the suspense for page 30 now)

look how conservative i used to be with my ink! yes, this is my first comic confusion perfume which was written back at the turn of the century. i started writing it right after the first husband and i split up the first time and wrote it until the second husband (dusty knickers) and i met and fell in love. it was based on my neurosis & my dysfunctional single life–and starred a character based on me (that’s original, right?) and a character based on my dog–norman. i loved writing it. i wish i hadn’t stopped, but i had to obsess over a new relationship and the comic suffered for it. i’m thinking of posting it over at tapastic.com.  i will let you know.

but! oh, the point of all this, i have been to deep, dark, morbid places since we have last talked, dear reader. the blackest depths of my so-called soul. it wasn’t pretty. but i made it back. this comic here, “my olphelia fantasy” comic, came to mind while i was moping in a most poetic way. i fantasize about death–a lot–whether i am happy or sad. however, when i am sad, the fantasies are that much more…er…dark & disturbed…often about my own demise.  i have another strip from confusion perfume called “suicide girl” that continues in the same vein. getting attention & satisfaction for others’ crimes against you by dying. okay…so it’s adolescent…but it exists, those thoughts. and i wrote comics about them. it’s better than acting them out. i survive…& i make comics about it.

moses jones is much the same. except i have zombies to wrassle with in addition to my neurosis & dysfunctional relationships.

speaking of dear moses! i still haven’t finished page 30…or it would be here. but, rest assured, i am losing my mind for every day i go without creating. how much longer can i go? let’s not find out. so! tomorrow i will have something new to post…or i shall die trying!(insert dramatic music & lighting here)

so far i’m one up on sylvia plath.

this is why sylvia plath put her head in an oven. motherhood is so hard on the artistic woman. while she wants to be creating art…writing…music…painting, she is changing diapers, fixing food for kids who refuse to eat it, resolving arguments over who gets to play with that particular lego–no, that one!

sigh.

i tried to draw last night after wrestling kids into bed. i got that up there drawn before poppy woke up and pulled me back into bed. while in bed, i realized i was too tired to continue drawing, and i gave up for the night. i had grand plans to do several preliminary sketches. i drew bluejean once…i had to finish her feathers while the baby cried for me to come and nurse him…again. he’s teething. if you happen to be a parent, you know how much fun teething babies are.

sigh.

blank page 001

these are some pages i put panels onto some days ago, hoping to (as i try to type this, misha is shoving a dora the explorer dvd in my face trying to convince me to hand over my laptop–see? see what i’m working with here, people??)

anyhoo. hoping to work on moses jones (the more rough looking paneled page) and to start some new comics. i was thinking about lisa the lion and hey diddled. however, after watching the airships fly as my kids used my laptop (my only connection to the comic world) to watch the legend of korra, i felt a strong pull to be working on my steampunk comic trials of the moonfish. i might sacrifice hey diddled for now…fuck! not like i am getting any of these comics done.

sigh.

blank page 004

she looks pretty though, don’t she? my bluejean baby. rough as she is….

so, i need to use my time better. when the baby isn’t making me hold him or nurse him–maybe i could stand somewhere, pens and paper out of reach, and do some quick sketches as i cook food & do dishes (why are there so many fucking dishes??) maybe i could draw while my laptop is being appropriated for entertainment done by artists much more successful than myself, for instance, michael dante dimartino and bryan konietzko (creaters of avatar: the last airbender). that cartoon kicks ass. story & art. dora the explorer…not so much.

okay, back to me. i need to manage my time better, and i need to re-read the book mother reader. essential writings on motherhood–which has saved my life in the past by basically saying to me, “we know what you’re going through; it sucks. but stick with it. keep your head out of the oven.”