INKtober day twenty-one–come as you are

yesterday was sad. today is happy!

i feel like a weight is lifted. a spell cast has been removed. the sun has come out. sadly, i feel all this because dusty has gone away to wisconsin for a visit. i know. i know. i know. if his going away causes me happiness….

i feel mean that his being gone brings me such a sense of relief. but it does. like i’m not being judged every minute of the day. i’m not being brought down by negative energy. i get to be me, unfettered.

so this is my ink blot test for the day. come as you are. iggy found the duck. he & i both found the guitar. coincidentally, my co-inker for inktober also did a duck today…and a bunny yesterday. i swear i’m not copying!

i like this one. i really do. i like that splatters turn into music.

tomorrow, we are going to venture into the color blue. i already splattered some pages.

INKtober day twenty–eye just feel sad

so the thing about me is, i am an empath. i feel things deeper and more intuitively that a large percent of the population.
i have always known this about myself, but i am just figuring out how to embrace it as a good thing and to not let it destroy me.
being an empath makes it difficult for me to be around a lot of people. i can sense their anger, their sadness, their different energies.
it makes it difficult for me to work in positions where i care for others because i give too much of myself–but also helps me to be a good caregiver, if i could learn how to not cross that line.
it makes it difficult for me to be in relationships because i cannot keep my feelings separate from those of the other person. i am trying to learn boundaries and ways to protect myself…but i have a long way to go.
it makes it difficult for me to be a mom sometimes–sometimes it helps. when many small bodies need me to care all at the same time & i am prone to forgetting to listen to my own needs….

i get overwhelmed. so easily. by all the energy from all the people around me.

the more “bad” things i see or hear, the deeper it seems to go. so the internet is a treacherous place for people like me. though i want to know about wrongs being done–so i can help–if i can help…it is draining.

this election is a goddamned nightmare for me. both major party candidates are bad people. i know this on an intuitive level and on an educated level. one seems much worse than the other. i feel like a vote for that one is a vote against people like me. however, i will not vote for the lesser of two evils, that would be giving up on hope.  i wish that everyone would actually vote for better candidates (there are other candidates) and send these two to the hell they deserve….

but! i digress.

this is not a political blog.

i just wanted y’all to know why eye feel sad.

INKtober day nineteen–catapult?

i’m off. out of whack. my zen is broken. i started one inking today at misha’s speech therapy appointment, and it somehow ended up with a puppy in it?? then this one has a unicorn? i dunno. i’m not feeling it today. i just kept adding more & more ink until i didn’t absolutely hate it.

my zen is off. i’m a mess.

i had two birthdays in a row. poppy & then fidgit. i managed to bake cakes for both of them…but i still felt like i was somehow phoning it in.

i think i am exhausted by my non-relationship with dusty. i have asked him to leave. i have asked him why he is even living here in the first place. he said, “you are totally discounting my relationship with the kids.” i told him he can have a relationship with the kids while living somewhere else. other divorced people don’t live together. i really think we should try that.

so he is squatting at my parents house. not paying rent. not paying anything. not working. sometimes helping with the kids. he thinks mowing the lawn & burning things has given him some sort of helper status….

okay, this has nothing to do with my art other than the fact that i am letting his energy sapping ways drain my creativity.
or, i am going to blame him for my sucky picture today.
but inktober continues, and i refuse to miss a day.

so here is my sucky picture.

it is another ink blot test. and i resisted & resisted & resisted and then finally gave in to the sheep that i could see being catapulted at the dragon.

i blame dusty.

INKtober day thirteen–the backside

long day!
i ran errands all day with the whole family. then i came home. made a late lunch and then retired to the garden to dig. i am digging a winter garden/cold-frame. i also need to get my garlic into the ground. fortunately it is beautiful weather here still.

needless to say, i totally forgot to prepare paper this morning and didn’t even think about what i would draw until the sun had set. so i used the backside of the page i did yesterday’s seahorse picture on. it is poor paper for the purpose of ink & brush. ink shows through to the other side. poor paper, but a second opportunity to use the same ink stains…differently.

the backside. a two-headed person. which is the front side? it’s my relationships with men. i can’t get rid of them. the man face even looks a lot like my first ex-husband, who, coincidentally, proposed to me today via email. “we should get married…again,” he writes to me. meanwhile, i can’t get my second ex-husband to find his wings and fly away.

which brings us to another backside in this inking. why am i drawing so many apes/chimps lately? wow. i have never drawn so many non-human primates in my life. but they are flying out of my pen lately. showing up in every ink spill.

also! while i was waiting for the paper to dry so i could ink some more on it, i drew a picture for my friend who is doing inktober with me. she is sick today, so i thought i would be nice and draw her a picture for the day in case she is too sick to draw. she does portraits, so i thought, i will do a portrait. a self-portrait.

doriangray

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!!!!!!!
what the fuck is that?
studio 365 makes it look so easy…but, alas, i am not good at portraits. i named this one “portrait of the artist as dorian gray.”
now i am very afraid to open my journal.
i was going to post this on her facebook page…but i don’t think that will help her feel better.

moses jones page 43

always with the mixed feelings about this comic.
where am i going?
do i like my art work? my style? or should i strive for something bigger & better?

always the self-doubt and urge to just take a match to it all.

i wonder about doing my graphic novel pages in a way that they could stand alone. maybe even on canvas? or mass produced as prints?
is there a purpose to my prose?

maybe i should just do one page comics with no words that i can sell as “real art.”

poop.

i haven’t seen the sun in days. monday is the next time it is forcast to appear.
and we are having the second new moon of the month.
a black moon.
new beginnings.
new beginnings.
what new beginnings do i need to make?

well…here is page 43. i have some difficulty with drawing laslo. and always difficulty with drawing susan. even some problems drawing moses jones. but i like the layout.
i am going somewhere with this.
i just don’t know if it is worth going there.

fuck it. i need to meditate or something.

moses jones page 42

when did i last post a page of moses joneslast spring? late winter? and now it is the first day of fall. holy moly.

i’m not sure how i feel about the page. as always, my style keeps evolving. i look back on the prototypes for mojo that i did in my art class…what was that? in the spring of 2013? wow, three years ago. i like the style there. i want to move back in that direction. i don’t like the close-ups and larger images i have done. and i forgot that in episode 2 i indicated something amiss about lucy’s pregnancy…but have not addressed it. and she is still pregnant here and looking fairly comfortable.

this dialogue was written while i was waiting for an “extinction of species” class to start in fall of 2014? i adapted it to include dusty’s return, but i have been waiting that long to get to it. graphic novelling takes some time, y’all. it is a slow process. throw in a dysfunctional relationship, four kids, several changes of address, and a full-blown homestead experience…and wow…it takes forever.

but here it is. page 42. a bit sloppy. susan looks possessed. mj looks like she has had work done. and i tried to use perspective & candle light–both of which i am terrible at. also, i had some blank space, so i put in title, author, & page number on a whim. how do i feel about that? i dunno. and as i write this, i have a sobbing toddler in my lap who is running a fever. but i did finish the page. even if i’m not sure how i feel about it.

also. as i keep drawing this. i wonder about all the shaved & half-shaved heads. do they have electricity? a generator? electric shears? or are they using razors? straight blades? i need to get to the bottom of this.

as a side note, i am reading how to sell your art online by cory huff. i just started it, but i have also checked out his website and started wondering if there is hope for me yet.

thanks for reading my comics!