yesterday was sad. today is happy!
i feel like a weight is lifted. a spell cast has been removed. the sun has come out. sadly, i feel all this because dusty has gone away to wisconsin for a visit. i know. i know. i know. if his going away causes me happiness….
i feel mean that his being gone brings me such a sense of relief. but it does. like i’m not being judged every minute of the day. i’m not being brought down by negative energy. i get to be me, unfettered.
so this is my ink blot test for the day. come as you are. iggy found the duck. he & i both found the guitar. coincidentally, my co-inker for inktober also did a duck today…and a bunny yesterday. i swear i’m not copying!
i like this one. i really do. i like that splatters turn into music.
tomorrow, we are going to venture into the color blue. i already splattered some pages.
so the thing about me is, i am an empath. i feel things deeper and more intuitively that a large percent of the population.
i have always known this about myself, but i am just figuring out how to embrace it as a good thing and to not let it destroy me.
being an empath makes it difficult for me to be around a lot of people. i can sense their anger, their sadness, their different energies.
it makes it difficult for me to work in positions where i care for others because i give too much of myself–but also helps me to be a good caregiver, if i could learn how to not cross that line.
it makes it difficult for me to be in relationships because i cannot keep my feelings separate from those of the other person. i am trying to learn boundaries and ways to protect myself…but i have a long way to go.
it makes it difficult for me to be a mom sometimes–sometimes it helps. when many small bodies need me to care all at the same time & i am prone to forgetting to listen to my own needs….
i get overwhelmed. so easily. by all the energy from all the people around me.
the more “bad” things i see or hear, the deeper it seems to go. so the internet is a treacherous place for people like me. though i want to know about wrongs being done–so i can help–if i can help…it is draining.
this election is a goddamned nightmare for me. both major party candidates are bad people. i know this on an intuitive level and on an educated level. one seems much worse than the other. i feel like a vote for that one is a vote against people like me. however, i will not vote for the lesser of two evils, that would be giving up on hope. i wish that everyone would actually vote for better candidates (there are other candidates) and send these two to the hell they deserve….
but! i digress.
this is not a political blog.
i just wanted y’all to know why eye feel sad.
i’m off. out of whack. my zen is broken. i started one inking today at misha’s speech therapy appointment, and it somehow ended up with a puppy in it?? then this one has a unicorn? i dunno. i’m not feeling it today. i just kept adding more & more ink until i didn’t absolutely hate it.
my zen is off. i’m a mess.
i had two birthdays in a row. poppy & then fidgit. i managed to bake cakes for both of them…but i still felt like i was somehow phoning it in.
i think i am exhausted by my non-relationship with dusty. i have asked him to leave. i have asked him why he is even living here in the first place. he said, “you are totally discounting my relationship with the kids.” i told him he can have a relationship with the kids while living somewhere else. other divorced people don’t live together. i really think we should try that.
so he is squatting at my parents house. not paying rent. not paying anything. not working. sometimes helping with the kids. he thinks mowing the lawn & burning things has given him some sort of helper status….
okay, this has nothing to do with my art other than the fact that i am letting his energy sapping ways drain my creativity.
or, i am going to blame him for my sucky picture today.
but inktober continues, and i refuse to miss a day.
so here is my sucky picture.
it is another ink blot test. and i resisted & resisted & resisted and then finally gave in to the sheep that i could see being catapulted at the dragon.
i blame dusty.
i used green for my shading instead of grey/black. shades of green. i like it.
i have always been fascinated by the world turtles. the idea that we are just flying around on the back of a sea turtle. usually on top of four elephants as well, but i just wanted the sea turtles.
every day my posts seem to get later & later. i haven’t been getting enough sleep and think i am going through some personal growth or avoidance of said growth or flirting around/dancing with the idea of growing.
almost there. almost there….
despite trying to grow, i have gotten an inking done for every day of inktober. i think that is impressive. i have four kids that i am ignoring to get these done! that’s challenging.
sorry. i’m a bit tired. and my blog isn’t getting a lot of action so i might just be writing this for myself. but if you are still out there. enjoy my latest inking.
what? another fucking monkey? yes, i know they are actually apes…but as far as alliteration goes, “monkey” works better.
i’m pretty proud of this dodo.
this is another ink clean-up from a couple days ago that i looked for and found pictures inside of. i really like this one. i am thinking this might be my medium. the ink blot. a series? a book? an ink blot in every pot?
i would really like to find a way to support myself with my art. i know that is a high fah-lootin’ idea, but keep in mind that i do lead a pretty simple life. i don’t need much past a brush, a pen, and a pot of ink blots.
think it over.
again i forgot to do some wet ink prep.
i was digging in my garden all day. trying to get some planting done while the moon is full. so i sat in the dirt all day. tossing grubs to the chickens (but keeping the red wrigglers & night crawlers safe!) enjoying the cool, sunny fall weather. watching the moon rise.
recently i was at goodwill buying plates and a woman commented as to whether the plates i had would work in a microwave or not. i said, “well, i don’t have a microwave–so they should be okay.” she gave me a funny look that i am used to getting. so i explained, “i like to do things the hard way.” like digging out garden beds by hand. i use a shovel & i break up the clumps by hand. i like it like that. just me & the dirt & the worms. it feels good on my soul…but so hard on my body!
i am buggered out. so tired! i just want to crawl into bed.
i did some colored ink on paper that became two dragons and when i was almost done, i decided i hated it. then i did this one. full moon. black & white.
oh! and a pony. misha wanted a pony.
(iggy took off with the dragon picture. he insisted that it did not look like crap.)
i have more garden work tomorrow.
but hopefully i will have a little bit more umph for my daily inking.
i ran errands all day with the whole family. then i came home. made a late lunch and then retired to the garden to dig. i am digging a winter garden/cold-frame. i also need to get my garlic into the ground. fortunately it is beautiful weather here still.
needless to say, i totally forgot to prepare paper this morning and didn’t even think about what i would draw until the sun had set. so i used the backside of the page i did yesterday’s seahorse picture on. it is poor paper for the purpose of ink & brush. ink shows through to the other side. poor paper, but a second opportunity to use the same ink stains…differently.
the backside. a two-headed person. which is the front side? it’s my relationships with men. i can’t get rid of them. the man face even looks a lot like my first ex-husband, who, coincidentally, proposed to me today via email. “we should get married…again,” he writes to me. meanwhile, i can’t get my second ex-husband to find his wings and fly away.
which brings us to another backside in this inking. why am i drawing so many apes/chimps lately? wow. i have never drawn so many non-human primates in my life. but they are flying out of my pen lately. showing up in every ink spill.
also! while i was waiting for the paper to dry so i could ink some more on it, i drew a picture for my friend who is doing inktober with me. she is sick today, so i thought i would be nice and draw her a picture for the day in case she is too sick to draw. she does portraits, so i thought, i will do a portrait. a self-portrait.
what the fuck is that?
studio 365 makes it look so easy…but, alas, i am not good at portraits. i named this one “portrait of the artist as dorian gray.”
now i am very afraid to open my journal.
i was going to post this on her facebook page…but i don’t think that will help her feel better.
iggy named this “tree pose.”
we were doing yoga on the front lawn this morning as i tried to work out an impending headache. or, rather, i did yoga and three small minions used me as a source of entertainment. so maybe tree pose was fresh in my head?
i didn’t even start this picture until dusk because of my headache that grew worse and worse all day. usually nightfall relieves my headaches. also, we are in the habit of taking our dogs out after our free-range chickens have gone to coop. this is the only time we can let them run wild. so i grabbed my journal & pens, called stella & squiggles, and went out into the dusk.
as the dogs ran, i sketched one of the blossoms on the crab apple tree that cannot remember what season it is. i also sketched the moon as it waxes from third quarter to full. and then i finished.
iggy also asked if she was “mrs. branch” to my couple days ago drawing of “mr. branch.” trees & plants & animal people seem to turn up a lot in my art.
i think my druid roots are showing.
my art is one big ink blot test. how am i doing?
yesterday, i had extra ink on a sponge i used to do background so i blotted it all over a blank page. today i looked for and found this in the ink stain. the garden of eden? the angel jophiel?
(i just looked that up. i didn’t pay that much attention in cathecism)
i drew her first, the lady with the saber. i thought she was protecting the little purple blobs, but everyone is headed in the same direction. away from the tree. then i realized she is driving them out of paradise. or, the little catholic inside of me decided that. she doesn’t look happy about it. just resigned
loves squiggly trees & clouds
looks for pictures in things
like LOTS of ink
heavily influenced by catholicism.
(am i talking about myself in the third person?)
i am having a blast with inktober. i love starting & finishing a picture in one day. i love seeing what will come out of my warped little head.
(i actually have a fairly large head–it’s like an extra pocketbook.)
when i noticed the utility pole out my window, i saw this image. maybe it’s the recovering catholic in me? so i drew it. and painted it. i like it. i was happy with how the roof turned out. i’m not sure about the trees & animals though. too dr. seuss?
so now i have to finish my behemoth whimsy piece. it needs at least a couple of nights of attention.
and i need to paper mache myself. that will be tricky. dusty is betting that poppy will wake up the minute i cover myself with wet, sticky newspaper. he’s probably right. maybe he can take care of the baby while i dry out? maybe?