can i call this “process”?

or lack thereof?

i want to practice drawing dusty who will eventually return to the story. this was drawn the upteenth time my kids made me take them outside. i was all like, “i will just draw while they play.” i got the above drawn just as poppy decided to plop down in my lap and nest there. poppy wants to be held. he wants to be nursed. he wants to be outside. usually all three at the same time. which makes it really difficult to draw.

can blogging about my inability to get any drawing done count as process? it is part of the process, in its way. i do get a lot of thinking about moses jones done as i chase, soothe, and distract small children.

dusty is the one who clogs up my thought process with daily drama. so much drama! just to insure his return to the storyline? he is lucky i love him so much that i will not sacrifice his character to a mob of famished zombies.

cute clementine 066

look how pretty he is. how am i supposed to resist? i can’t just feed him to the zombies. which, by the way, is not the appropriate way to deal with relationship problems…apparently. i guess you’ll all know if i manage to be mature and make things work with dusty despite our differences by how he plays out in the comic. hopefully, he will not end up as zombie fodder. don’t expect a “happily ever after,” but maybe there can at least be less abandonment and bitterness–& more sex.

obsession, anxiety, and baby vomit

just finish inking page 31. how hard can it be? you’re already half done with the ink brush process….

ah yes, should be simple, right?

but, you see, dusty has this stalker ex-girlfriend. i have trust issues. and poppy has a stomach virus.

i did not sleep at all the night before last. not a wink. instead, i obsessed about seemingly incriminating love notes from the stalker chick and cleaned up baby puke. by the end of it all, i was puked on 12 times and had burned two pocketfuls of love notes while neurotically smoking cigarettes. i am not a smoker. i wanted to puke. the cigarettes? the deep, intense fear of betrayal? the baby’s stomach virus?

it’s a good thing i don’t actually have a katana.

page 31 remains sitting, not touched once for all my lack of sleep, half-finished on my desk.

but here’s a doodle i did the night before this ordeal began.

the cover-up

i should stick to my chinese brush. i tried to use the paint program on my computer to cover up the words that surrounded this picture. i lack control…maybe it’s an unsophisticated program as well….

so this is a picture from my journal. when i don’t get a chance to work on comics, i try to at least draw in my journal. being that my personal/romantic life is crazy right now, the words written in my journal were a bit…er, crazy, as well. i didn’t think you should have to suffer that close of a view of my psyche. so i covered the words with red using “paint.” it’s not pretty, but it protects my audience.

i write fiction for a reason. the crazy of my real life needs to be buffered into fiction.

take dusty. my dusty. right now we are trying to get back together & be a family…but there is a stalker girlfriend factor. only i could be trying to raise four kids and date my ex-husband while some girl he fooled around with & is having difficulty breaking up with leaves garbage bags full of stuffed animals on our front step. should i do a journal blog telling the public of my psychotic personal life? or should i incorporate it into a fictional telling of a post-apocalyptic dystopia?

it will make a good story.

it does not make good real life.

anyhoo. the first draft of page 29 is done. i just have to flood it with ink now. using my chinese brush, of course. i like the way it looks. i like that i feel like my art is improving.

maybe i should learn how to use my paint program….

or maybe i should remain a stubborn luddite.

doodlin’ the dog.

that sounds entirely inappropriate.

however! i spent some time last night watching old reruns of SNL while working on the characters for trials of the moonfish. so far, there is the girl, the dog, and the airship itself. i realized yesterday i was giving bluejean much the same dog as moses jones. seeing as there are already so many other resemblances between bluejean & moses jones (for some reason i tend to draw my heroines to resemble their creator…is this a god complex?), i figured i should alter her dog. (haha–inside joke with myself, i used to work in an animal shelter.)

so this is what i got.

i really feel like my style is improving. i am feeling a lot more confidant with my creations–and thinking things like, “i can do that!” rather than the contrary. i was really happy with this drawing…although it looks really familiar to me? am i channeling a drawing i have seen before?

the smudgy dog nose can be explained in last night’s post.

promise, next thing i do i will finish the next page of moses jones. i already have a thumbnail sketch done and have paneled out the page.

it could happen..any..minute..now….

so far i’m one up on sylvia plath.

this is why sylvia plath put her head in an oven. motherhood is so hard on the artistic woman. while she wants to be creating art…writing…music…painting, she is changing diapers, fixing food for kids who refuse to eat it, resolving arguments over who gets to play with that particular lego–no, that one!

sigh.

i tried to draw last night after wrestling kids into bed. i got that up there drawn before poppy woke up and pulled me back into bed. while in bed, i realized i was too tired to continue drawing, and i gave up for the night. i had grand plans to do several preliminary sketches. i drew bluejean once…i had to finish her feathers while the baby cried for me to come and nurse him…again. he’s teething. if you happen to be a parent, you know how much fun teething babies are.

sigh.

blank page 001

these are some pages i put panels onto some days ago, hoping to (as i try to type this, misha is shoving a dora the explorer dvd in my face trying to convince me to hand over my laptop–see? see what i’m working with here, people??)

anyhoo. hoping to work on moses jones (the more rough looking paneled page) and to start some new comics. i was thinking about lisa the lion and hey diddled. however, after watching the airships fly as my kids used my laptop (my only connection to the comic world) to watch the legend of korra, i felt a strong pull to be working on my steampunk comic trials of the moonfish. i might sacrifice hey diddled for now…fuck! not like i am getting any of these comics done.

sigh.

blank page 004

she looks pretty though, don’t she? my bluejean baby. rough as she is….

so, i need to use my time better. when the baby isn’t making me hold him or nurse him–maybe i could stand somewhere, pens and paper out of reach, and do some quick sketches as i cook food & do dishes (why are there so many fucking dishes??) maybe i could draw while my laptop is being appropriated for entertainment done by artists much more successful than myself, for instance, michael dante dimartino and bryan konietzko (creaters of avatar: the last airbender). that cartoon kicks ass. story & art. dora the explorer…not so much.

okay, back to me. i need to manage my time better, and i need to re-read the book mother reader. essential writings on motherhood–which has saved my life in the past by basically saying to me, “we know what you’re going through; it sucks. but stick with it. keep your head out of the oven.”

when i was a kid, i fucking brilliant

(this was taken using my beat-up digital camera–plus, i am a terrible photographer…but you get the idea)

when i was a kid, i started writing comics. i don’t remember how old i was, but i remember drawing on this little chalkboard, a story with a cast from the nursery rhyme, “hey diddle, diddle.” it was very dramatic, like a soap opera. strange, because i have never watched soap operas–but i did watch a lot of the tv show soap when i was a kid (a sitcom making fun of soap operas–i totally recommend it.) maybe i was influenced by soap. nevertheless, i did my little comics on this chalk board, erasing when necessary for more space, obviously never keeping a hard copy. but it has always stuck in my head and has influenced me as an adult. i want to develop it. one of my  many projects. i sketched a quick cast picture tonight. the lighting is terrible. my camera does not work as well as my dead scanner did. but here it is. hey! diddle, diddle.

ps. i did tell lynda barry about this in a drunken email to her one night. she never responded. i am a little hurt and a little suspicious.

monsters for sawyer

i have been having a hard time.  not taking classes, being at the dead end of a relationship, trying to be a good mom and feeling like a complete humorless grump, unable to picture a future where i exist as anything but a failure….  i have sunk into a funk.  being in a funk means little motivation for creation.

plus!  my kids have been sick.  the baby has it the worst and is not letting me get any sleep.  no sleep equals no being able to stay up late to work on moses jones.

and today i broke the tip off one of my new rapidograph pens.  the 0/35 pen.  the one i have been using the most.  if there is a budding benefactor of my arts out there….

but i have been drawing a little regardless.  during the day when i get a smidge of freedom and no one is on top of me to bump and torment me.  of course, as soon as they see i am about to give my attention to something other than them, they are quick to jump, bump, and torment.  maybe i should start taking my art supplies to the bathroom with me (the only door with a lock.)

my six year old draws the most brilliant monsters.  he is my inspiration for many creations.  my nine year old helps me with squid and sharks, my six year old helps me draw monsters.  (this is one of his:)

and hatchlings

today i wrote a letter to a past inspiration of mine.  my favorite ex-fiance.  i have written him many letters and hesitate to send him yet another neurotic letter, but it’s stamped and ready to go anyway–and it was my last stamp–so i have to send it, right?  i’ve had one really good relationship out of too many relationships.  and i fucked it up as brilliantly as i could.  i’m sure i am just a bump in the road of his love life, but i like to think there is still something there.  so i wrote him a long and rambling derailed train of thought of a letter today.  and i drew him a picture to show him how special, brilliant, and lovable i am despite what we both know to the contrary.  it’s a variation on a sketch i did earlier.

letter to pete4

now i am going to watch the second half of serenity –hopefully before the baby wakes up again–and hopefully while working on the next page of moses jones.

sleep tight, y’all.

weird, dark, & broke

waiting for my car to be fixed–or to not be fixed as it turned out–i did this doodle.  no.  i don’t do drugs.  my head is just a weird place to live.  sometimes too weird.  sometimes too dark.  but there it is.  being weird & dark helps in the art department.

i was getting my car fixed because i’m trying to sell it.  all day long, i stress about money.  i have none, and i don’t know how to get any.  ever since i was 17 i was financially independent.  all my life.  then i became a stay-at-home mom, and my worth plummeted in the eyes of society, at least (not to my kids.)  i have no idea how to make money.  becoming financially dependent on someone else, especially someone who loved pointing that out to me, really fucked up my sense of independence & self.  for awhile there i was able to do some freelance writing while raising kids, but i couldn’t keep it up.  writing “how-to” articles was just sucking the soul right out of me. so i switched to being a student–figuring i would get my degree & then i would be worth something.  but now i feel like that is just my swimming in circles.  so now what do i do?

sell my car?

sell my art?

turns out–i’m a terrible salesperson.  i can’t sell my car.  i can’t sell myself.  i don’t know the value of anything.  i suspect that every potential customer is just rejection waiting to happen.  i see rejection everywhere i look.  low self-esteem?  that’s probably an understatement.  weird thing is–i love my car & i love my art & i would totally buy either one of them (in fact, i did buy my car)…but when i look at myself, my art, even my car, through other people’s eyes–i just feel like a joke.

so here i am.  weird.  dark.  & broke.

doodle pad family portrait

do the drawings i do on my three year old’s doodle pad count as drawing a picture a day?  she comes and asks me to draw “gaga” (her 9 year old brother,) and i do.  then she clears it and asks me to draw “wahwah” (her 6 year old brother.)  then it is “mimi” (herself) and then “baby” and then “mama” and then “daddy.”  i draw her the family, and she erases each picture to have me do it all over again.  sometimes pepper the cat is requested as well.

here i recreated–with a little more detail than allowed by the doodle pad–the people i draw for her.  minus daddy & the cat.

so that’s as much as i have been drawing other than when i remember to draw in my journal.

journal2one of my doodles here is from Jen Wang’s graphic novel Koko be Good.  i have been working on noticing drawing styles i really like and drawing them.  i don’t want to copy someone else, but if i can evolve my own style, inspired by someone else’s work, that would be cool.  that’s how moses jones was born.  i was trying to re-create this character based loosely on me.  i looked at Jaime Hernendez’s work as well as Tank Girl to take in new ideas and evolve my own style.

speaking of moses jones, i was able to ink a page last night!!  the baby stayed asleep!!  the night before that, i drew two squares–before a tumbling stumbling baby wandered to the living room to find me.  i am working on getting the brushwork done now.  hopefully, it will be up by tomorrow.  maybe i can develop a rhythm.  sleep for 3 nights–stay up the fourth and do art.  something like that.